Combating the Notion of a "Bad Apple"

Ever heard of the "bad apple" phrase where one considered to be the "weakest link" in the team"? I've been feeling that lately. And you can't blame me for that because "outside forces' let me feel that way.

Yes, felt like being treated again as a mere object and not as a dignified human being. When you're being repeatedly "thrown away" because you're immaterial to the current cycle, and if you're a person with some serious, focus-driven career goal, you really started questioning yourself if something is wrong with the rotation of the planet.

Yeah! It's 3:00 in the morning. Supposed to be I'm in bed now, but I just can't sleep. Patterns of self-defeating thoughts started knocking off my head again. It feels like I'm tossing myself back to that road where I hit rock bottom. 

Though I tried hard never to pass at that road again, circumstances keep pushing me to revisit that old, forsaken road, reopening the old wounds. And now my self-confidence I excruciatingly built for the past months started sinking, and I'm slowly drowning with its weight. I can't help but wondered if I'm a bad apple worthy to be "thrown away". Or perhaps I'm not good at anything.

It got into my nerve when this whole damn thing presses on my face again as though I am merely a machine that should be thrown away elsewhere when could no longer be used. Though I understand the premise why things must occur, I can't help but wonder if I made the right choice of coming back. But yes, I'm pretty certain I made a right decision, but picked up the wrong place. The system didn't  match my career goals. 

For a moment I felt like someone who was kicked out of the fence. The feeling of rejection still haunting me like a ghost. And I felt so demotivated.  But realizing the amount of wisdom I reaped through all these years, and the emotional maturity I've right now, I'm fully aware that I should take everything positively and start looking for some options where I could seize opportunities that match my career path. Because  the current situation is so unimaginably unfit. 

I'm no longer in a state where I'm testing water or exploring new skills to broaden my horizon. I'm not out fresh from college. I've been working for more than 10 years and I'm looking for stability in my career and experience professional growth. So I could no longer afford to just be tossed away elsewhere with unclear vision where to go next. I want to focus on a certain direction.

I should start exploring opportunities that match my career goals.

But while I'm still clearing the road, I need to fill my thoughts with learning techniques and theories that enrich my knowledge and keep my mind away from the "bad apple" notion. Meanwhile, everything should start from discerning words from the experts:

"Leadership is about capturing the imagination and enthusiasm of your people with clearly defined goals that cut through the fog like a beacon in the night." -

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. A person does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of one's actions and the integrity of one's intent. In the end, leaders are much like eagles... they don't flock, you find them one at a time." - Successories

“Too many companies believe people are interchangeable. Truly gifted people never are. They have unique talents. Such people cannot be forced into roles they are not suited for, nor should they be. Effective leaders allow great people to do the work they were born to do.” 
― Warren G. Bennis, Organizing Genius: The Secrets of Creative Collaboration