This old proverb left me somehow very complacent with my decisions in life. And for the past decades, I remained stuck in my own little world, confident that someday, someone will sweep off my feet and take me into his life.
For so long, I stayed in my sanctuary and just contented being alone. I refused to mingle with others. I refused to expand my circle of friends. I refused to get acquainted with men because in my own universe I was convinced love will find me in due time.
But months rolled into years and years crept into a decade, with nothing happened. I am still the same girl who frequented the backyard at night time to gaze up at the silvery sky and blow off my wishes to the stars.
Or perhaps, I was just unsure who I am and what I was looking for. I figured, when we are unsure of what we are looking for, chances are we would never find it. When we are uncertain about ourselves and who we really are, most likely, people in our environment would never recognize our worth. Including "the one".
We mirrored our thoughts and became who we think we are every day. Our mind is a powerful attractor of our fate.
Lately, I've been through a lot of things - thinking hard about my life, anxious about what's coming ahead, pondering about what I've been missing, discerning about a certain "feeling" that had just burst out of nowhere on my horizon.
How it happened?
I don't know. It just happened. Sometimes great moments in life occurred when we are less expecting it. Moments that even reasons cannot understand. Perhaps it is part of life's mystery to encounter precious moments and experience special affection towards someone so that we have beautiful reasons to live and be inspired every day.
There are occurrences in life that are hard to understand. But we don't need to deeply comprehend it. We just need to embrace it because things sometimes are not meant to be understood. It is meant to be cherished.
But whatever it is, things need to be controlled to spare me from going down the pit of rejection and humiliation. There was never easy a life filled with frustrations and rejections.
So now I am extra careful with the manifestation of my emotions because I don't want to undergo another round of humiliation for assuming things wrongly.
I have enough reason to be "scared" because most men in modern times, especially the younger generation, favor nonsense stuff. They seemed born with roving eyes and naughty tendencies. And prefer dumb girls over smart women.
Some men today tend to overlook women with substance and no longer care about the value of relating. They are confined to a certain level of idealism, factors that never matter in the long run - exterior beauty, age, height, and weight. Or religious differences that stop them from seeing the real value of a woman and the possibility of forming a sublime relationship. What they only see are rules and never the worth of another human being. Which is a bit sad.
Sometimes things can be very disappointing. But I learned over the years that disappointment occurred when we expect too much when we start counting things we don't have when we keep looking for perfection in everything when we focus on things that we cannot control when we assume things wrongly. Disappointment, therefore, is a product of our subconscious and not of the environment.
Over the years, I have developed my wisdom and allowed my emotional maturity to evolve. However, I still acknowledged the fact that I am human with vulnerable emotions. I still have tendencies to yield to my weaknesses. Though I know I don't have hang-ups anymore, there are still moments in a day when I succumb to self-pity.
I still cried to sleep almost every night, I still felt the earth crumbling below my feet when I feel being rejected, I still felt the child in me - my tendency to easily get hurt - when being turned down.
I tried to put steel on my spine to get immune to emotional debacles but I also recognized the fact that I am alive, therefore not spared from suffering misery. In order to understand life better, I must learn to absorb the ugly effect of emotional pain.
Still, there are times that I would encounter moments that challenge my strength and my balance of judgment. Moments that surprise me in a way I could never imagine. Moments that deliberately pushed me to walk into the same road of dejection I vowed never to pass again.
Seeing how my life revolved into the same pattern of apprehension and confusion, I realized that perhaps there is a significant aspect in my life that I have neglected, that I have suppressed to flourish. Something that I need to face now to get rid of my fear.
The value of relating. Especially towards the opposite sex. This is something I cared less about for the most part of my life. I was so afraid of boys back then. My parents prohibited me from forming a bond, or even friendships with guys before. I was raised to never talk to boys while still in school. So I grew up developing a certain degree of fear towards men. Until avoiding them became a habit.
I have never been into a relationship before. I was so scared with men. I was distant with boys ever since I was a teenager. It was my father's house rule to never get involve into a romantic relationship while still in school. So I have no close guy friends. I rarely talk to boys back then. I find it uncomfortable to be with men or even initiate a conversation with them.
When I started working, I made some adjustments. I tried talking to boys. But uneasiness was still there. I could feel some invisible wall dividing me and the men. So while girls at my age already settled down and have kids, I am yet to go on my first date.😱
I am a kind of girl whom people would find a little boring. A typical introvert, I prefer the comfort of home and the essence of silence than go outside and mix with a loud crowd. While other girls love to party, I am facing my laptop at home, either writing manuscripts or fixing the template of my blog. And frequented the refrigerator. Unfortunately, there's no prospect of finding love between my working table and the refrigerator.
Realizing it would never take me anywhere, I made some adjustments and start opening my door to some possibilities. So I relaxed some of my ancient principles and start connecting with other people, joining friends on a trip, and forcing myself to be comfortable with male colleagues. Initiating a conversation with them.
However, not all people I have come to know became my close friends. Only the fewest individuals made it to my small world. Because I only join a group when I feel the people in it share my interest and passion in life.
I am still wary about getting close to boys. Not that I see them as dangerous, but I still have that discomfort with them being around. But there's some exemption. It is very rare that I would find someone whom I easily feel very comfortable with, whom I feel I have chemistry with, whom I want to be with, to talk with, to share moments, to go on a trip.
This is very rare. And when this happened I know I have found someone whom I love to share a piece of my life with. I am very transparent. You will know if I am into things because I can be clingy. I can be thoughtful.
How the journey has brought me this far to collide with that someone's path is a matter of destiny. Or perhaps, a serendipitous circumstance that was meant to happen. Even without expecting it.
Serendipity. This is how we often describe the manifestation of destiny. And it is not a grand coincidence. It happens because it is meant to happen. Things happen for a reason.
Serendipity is a situation where a certain occurrence we have never expected suddenly takes place out of nowhere. In the simplest explanation, serendipity refers to a situation where we encounter moments we are less expecting it.
How a certain person becomes extra special is also a matter of principle and emotional judgment, a tug of war between logic and sentiment. We decide things based on how we perceive our future. And not just a temporary pleasure that makes us happy for a time being. We don't choose a person to love just for momentary affection, we choose a person to love with the hindsight of the future. Therefore love is not just a feeling, it is a choice.
We will know if we have matured emotionally when we decide who to be with based on the value of that someone as an extraordinary human being, someone whom you can trust, someone who understands the core of your being, someone whom you can feel at home. And not just for any rules.
We love to be with this person because we believe this person can provide us balance in life, and can complement our personality. A person whom we would love to spend every morning sharing meals and every afternoon telling stories about what happened in our day.
Love, therefore, is not merely feelings, it is a life-changing decision. A choice. And our manifestation of love is a product of how we carefully discern things based on how our future would look like. In the end, it's not how we contemplate our future that gravitates our decisions, it's how we choose to live and share the most part of it with somebody whom we love and feel at home. Religion, status, titles, age, and state in life will never matter when the time calls it right to meet the other half of you. It will happen.
I often see things based on principle. But sometimes I yield to what is necessary at the moment. So much so that I am anxious to confront myself about my idea of "finding the one" on a more serious note.
When people ask me about this, I often crept back into my cocoon because I find it very uncomfortable to discuss feelings in such an open manner. But lately, I have realized, I should not balk at it. I should face it.
Perhaps the reason why I did not attract someone or have not stumbled on "the one" is that I kept holding back myself. I lacked self-confidence because I often thought of rejection, of abandonment. That people don't like me. That people don't see me as desirable and worthy to be with.
I have so many hesitations and worries, including apprehensions that are yet to happen and fears that are not actually there. I am always scared to take risks and try new things. Because I am afraid of rejection and failure.
Perhaps, I should start opening my mind to some possibilities and be confident in myself. And in order for me to see some clarity in the road meeting "the one", I must learn first to recognize my value as a person.
Appreciating my self-worth is a powerful attractor of affection from others. I must also change my views about love. That it can actually be found. Even in the most unlikely places.
But first I need to work out my flaws, insecurities and personal shortcomings to uncover my real value and develop myself into a better person. Because according to relationship experts, the idea that someday someone will understand and accept our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them.
That someday, someone will sweep off our feet and save us from distress is a stupid excuse of not making ourselves whole, of not transforming ourselves into better, smart, more confident individuals free from insecurities.
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We become more attractive if we stop worrying about whom we are attracting, and whom we are impressing. So perhaps, I should start here. I should stop worrying too much about things that are not yet happening and start living freely without restraints.
I will just let things flow in the right direction, develop myself into a more confident person, start opening myself to others, explore the goodness of others, and work on the value of relating. Things happen for a reason and it is always for the best.
In fact, great thinkers say that we will meet someone who is meant for us in our lifetime. And that someone is not the one whom we feel madly in love with but someone who is just right there, at the right place at the right time. So I will wait for that special moment, I am confident God will reveal the right person in His perfect time. No "what ifs" and buts".
So how would I know it is love, if ever?
Well, I do believe that there's some truth about the tale of cinderella, "It's love when the shoe fits perfectly".
It's love when the tiny details of that person which is insignificant to others become fascinating to me. When I can hear sweet melody out of nowhere each time I hear his name. Until then and only then I would know it is love.
So I resolved to start embracing my self-worth, my real value, my being me, to attract the power of appreciation and affection from others.
Love happens when we start to accept the entire journey and the challenges that come along with it. And when we embrace who we really are, then true love emerges and find us. Because love reflects if we know the real value of it.
Life can be so hard. But I need to accept what has been offered at the moment. And focus on things that I can control. And accept who really I am to let myself shine.
Eventually, I know love will find me. 😊
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