I'm Sorry For Being An Annoying Person To You

The past week had been tough. 

Not that I've more bad lucks than great days, but I'd gone through some emotional setbacks that sunk my self-confidence. With a self-defeating thought I'm a jerk, making some people to turn away from me and never saw me as worthy to spend time with. 

But it was supposed to be the type of despair that should not be taken seriously. I should have ponder on that because I never owned the world, I was never part of anyone's world and everyone is entitled to live a free and independent life.

I am still figuring it out how things turned out that way. Why I became so despondent and moping very hard. Well, perhaps because I always felt alone, overlooked, abandoned, ignored, demolished. 

So in my effort to make a difference in my journey and change my lonely routine, I courageously stepped into a dangerous parameter of forming a bond with someone who never showed the same level of interest. 

But I insisted myself very hard. Because for so long, I lived alone and just kept things to myself, haven't exposed to the world of relating and always scared of men. So I thought circumstances finally gave me a chance to conquer my fear and discover the other side of life. 

So I tried. Bravely.

But I found out that in the world of adulting, things are always complicated. We will get hurt with our own manifestation of affection and care.  

Relating, therefore, needs a wider understanding, especially on the dimension of sentiments and logic. That there are things that cannot be forced, that when people do not feel the same and do not want to be with us, no amount of kindness and loyalty can  ever change their mind. 

And it must be respected because it's a personal choice. Everyone has a freedom to choose who they want to be with, who they want to talk with.

So as I watched the connection fell apart, I felt like being wounded. It was difficult to come to terms with the truth.  But I need to pull up myself from the pit of misery. And be fair with my judgment towards life.

So to heal completely, I need to write this open letter to someone and to myself to be completely relieved.

Dear Someone,

I'm sorry if I want to constantly talk to you while you continue to ignore me. I'm just clinging to the last strand of hope to stay connected because it's the only thing that I have. It's the only thing that gives a new pattern to my lonely routine. And the only time that I felt I belong to this world. It gives me a different energy, different excitement. 

I'm sorry if you don't want to talk to me as much as I want to talk to you. I'm just trying my best to nurture this kind of attachment where I felt I am at my happiest. I'm sorry when you take too long to reply and I get very sad because I'm trying desperately to save our connection.

I'm sorry If I say things that might piss you off. It's just my way of clarifying things up to know you better. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying, but most of my actions are just products of my confusion. And because I'm still learning the rope how to deal with men and how it would feel like being in a man's world. 

I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. It's just my way of letting you know my little world is so comfortable being with you around. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy. I just want people to feel loved and cared because I know how it feels not to feel loved and wanted.

I'm sorry if I am forcing myself to be close to you while you never considered me as one and continue to shut your door. I just want to make the best out of the opportunity given to me by the circumstances because I am afraid I will never pass at this moment again. 

If there's something like this encounter to happen in the future, it will be on a different situation,  different scenario, different person, different level of relating. So now is the right time to experience this moment. Afterall, life is happening now, not tomorrow or the next day. And I want to live at the moment because I might never get that chance again. We really don't know how much time we have left.

But I was not given a chance. It was a good try anyway and I don't have regrets.

Sometimes I would think what's wrong with me, why I can't be accepted in your world like that girl you chose to be close with, you chose to have a constant communication with. I wish I knew the reason. But things are beyond my control, and I don't want to live my life in competition with others, so I let it go. I understand the fact that people do have choices that must be respected.

I used to be afraid of losing our connection and not being able to keep up with the conversation. Until I realized, you never cared anyway and didn't give a damn to look on my worth.

So despite my genuine loyalty and sublime degree of affection and care,  I let things go and chose to give up. Not that I got tired, but because I felt  like I'm fighting a battle that I could never win.

I hope someday you will remember the value of wisdom I imparted to you and the learning I shared, I hope someday you will recognize that I made a difference in your memory.

Thank you for the short connection. I wish you nothing by excellent health and genuine happiness. I hope you're well now and on the road to full recovery. 

It's crazy to think how things rolled this far. How I got out of my shell and bravely formed a bond that ran deep. How getting comfortable with someone gave me energy to change my routine and courage to wind off my fear of failure. 

But it did not last long. It was a good try anyway and I have no regrets. So here is a little piece also to console myself because I deserved it too.

Dear Self,

I’m sorry that you tried so desperately to fit into someone's world and make a difference, while you are continuously being pushed away. 

I am sorry that you tried to reach out and make people happy while you silently shaking with loneliness. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you enough time to heal, that I let you seal the wounds of everyone else, while yours is bleeding.

I’m sorry that there were days when smiling hurts but you just forced yourself to laugh so that no one had to worry about you. I'm sorry that you tried to choose someone to share moments in a day while they never put interest in you.

I’m sorry that you gave all your time and effort to people who didn’t care a bit about you. But you always rationalize that it didn't matter because you're doing things without expecting something in return. Because that's how you view unconditional care towards humanity.

I’m sorry that there were nights that you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why because it's only you who cared. I'm sorry for allowing you to live in a one-sided world.

I am so sorry that I didn’t love you, the way you deserved to be. But I am hoping that in God's time you will find a moment where you will be cared and loved and be accepted despite your shortcomings. 

Just continue walking. Somewhere along your journey, you will get what you truly deserved.