Our kindness and warmth will never soften the heart that does not beat for us. Our eyes will never see a glimpse of the soul that's searching for someone else.
Paralyzed with fear of always being thrown out in friendship, of always being unwanted, I have this constant notion stuck in my head that my life is a piece of shit that's never going to be worthy to anyone.
In the rarest moment of my life where I tried to go out of my comfort zone and attempted to build a steady connection with someone, I threw off my self-reservation to take a risk.
It was risky, but I tried anyway to make a difference in my monotone life but I ended up jilted, spurned with coldness and left to bleed in despair.
I began to wonder why.
Why stuff like this happened when all I wanted is just a steady flow of bond that I could turn too when life becomes unfair, or share stories when life is in a happy moment.
So I began to ponder on things, trying to process what's going on until I came up with these realizations.
Realization #1: Self-Acceptance
I just celebrated my birthday (April 3). In this most trying time when people are dying in every corner of the world, having to make it in my birthday this year is a gift, a huge blessing from God.
Life is so precious, especially at this period where human survival hangs on a thin thread, so the last thing I would think now is to feel sad and be ungrateful towards many things.
But the feeling of rejection, the sense of unwantedness and the idea of being screwed up dangled in my mind like tousled rocks. And I need to pull off and remove every piece of it to feel alive again.
But each day, when I stare at the blank space of the horizon, I am back to my old self again, grieving over the lost connection. It's difficult to face my own battle.
I struggled to come to terms with what life is offering at the moment. Everyday I grappled with thoughts that my life is not as fascinating as I would want to believe. Because someone let me feel it that way.
But it's the same thought also that forced me to accept the fact that when someone does not really care for us or like us, or not willing to forge a lasting bond with us, we will never be good enough to that someone. So just accept it and move on.
Realization #2: We'll never good enough to a wrong heart
This thought has been going on since the home quarantine period. This feeling of abandonment and rejection. It crippled my mind, and affected my self-confidence. It also pushes me to think that I'm a nuisance to others.
Perhaps because I've no one to talk to. So I'm consumed with emptiness, and the feeling of desolation and gloom.
Life is so precious, especially at this period where human survival hangs on a thin thread, so the last thing I would think now is to feel sad and be ungrateful towards many things.
But the feeling of rejection, the sense of unwantedness and the idea of being screwed up dangled in my mind like tousled rocks. And I need to pull off and remove every piece of it to feel alive again.
But each day, when I stare at the blank space of the horizon, I am back to my old self again, grieving over the lost connection. It's difficult to face my own battle.
I struggled to come to terms with what life is offering at the moment. Everyday I grappled with thoughts that my life is not as fascinating as I would want to believe. Because someone let me feel it that way.
But it's the same thought also that forced me to accept the fact that when someone does not really care for us or like us, or not willing to forge a lasting bond with us, we will never be good enough to that someone. So just accept it and move on.
Realization #2: We'll never good enough to a wrong heart
This thought has been going on since the home quarantine period. This feeling of abandonment and rejection. It crippled my mind, and affected my self-confidence. It also pushes me to think that I'm a nuisance to others.
Perhaps because I've no one to talk to. So I'm consumed with emptiness, and the feeling of desolation and gloom.
This period of self-isolation takes a toll in my emotional sense, so all these barrage of self-defeating thoughts swarmed over me like an avalanche of heartaches.
Why I'm not good enough to attract someone's fascination? Why I'm not good enough to hold on to someone's attention? Why I'm always overlooked? What's wrong with me?
After a few moments of contemplation, I've realized I will never be good enough to someone who has no intention of seeing me as enough.
This series of personal confrontation leads to a more complex battle between logic and sentiments, denial and acceptance. So I need to find meaning in-between. I need to find my sense of purpose. I know there's so much beauty in the environment.
Perhaps I met the wrong people, I associated myself to a wrong person who does not see me as ideal. Shit happens but I should not let it defined my whole existence.
Realization #3: People and events are shipwrecks
Days after my birthday, I rammed through my journal and read previous posts. Like, yes, years ago. Similar situation popped up.
Why I'm not good enough to attract someone's fascination? Why I'm not good enough to hold on to someone's attention? Why I'm always overlooked? What's wrong with me?
After a few moments of contemplation, I've realized I will never be good enough to someone who has no intention of seeing me as enough.
This series of personal confrontation leads to a more complex battle between logic and sentiments, denial and acceptance. So I need to find meaning in-between. I need to find my sense of purpose. I know there's so much beauty in the environment.
Perhaps I met the wrong people, I associated myself to a wrong person who does not see me as ideal. Shit happens but I should not let it defined my whole existence.
Realization #3: People and events are shipwrecks
Days after my birthday, I rammed through my journal and read previous posts. Like, yes, years ago. Similar situation popped up.
So I've been through with this in the past, though not similar, but a situation where I could relate.
I can get through with this. Someday, all these heartaches and feeling of rejection and unwantedness will be forgotten.
I figured, things keep repeating, perhaps to teach us lessons and remind us that dark days never last. Someday, all these craps will just footnotes in my life story.
Destinies collide. We will meet people. Some will progress to friendships, other just acquaintances.
I can get through with this. Someday, all these heartaches and feeling of rejection and unwantedness will be forgotten.
I figured, things keep repeating, perhaps to teach us lessons and remind us that dark days never last. Someday, all these craps will just footnotes in my life story.
Destinies collide. We will meet people. Some will progress to friendships, other just acquaintances.
This routine is a bit tiring. I feel like a traveler, launch into the world in search of an elixir for a genuine heart.
I've long been in the road of life, pursuing an adventure of finding a good soul to harmonize my miserable spirit, but each time I felt I hit it on, an estrangement will follow, banishing all effort I invested.
It's a long, exhausting journey of searching a confidante. And I am always ended up empty.
I've long been in the road of life, pursuing an adventure of finding a good soul to harmonize my miserable spirit, but each time I felt I hit it on, an estrangement will follow, banishing all effort I invested.
It's a long, exhausting journey of searching a confidante. And I am always ended up empty.
The exploit brought me to some long and winding road and each encounter is followed by tons of tragic rejection.
I'm tired of this cycle.
Then I've realized, perhaps, they are just passing acquaintances not meant to be with us in our journey. The encounter is just passing moments.
The people we met. At some point we became close to them, but as we go on with our journey, we will know who are those who will accompany us in the adventure and who are those who will disconnect.
People and events are shipwrecks. Some are not really mean to stay with us. It's time to stop dragging them around. It's not worth it. Time to cut them off and swim away.
Realization #4: There are things that won't work out
While there are things that can be achieved through our effort, things that we can improve and develop, there are stuff that can never work out.
I'm tired of this cycle.
Then I've realized, perhaps, they are just passing acquaintances not meant to be with us in our journey. The encounter is just passing moments.
The people we met. At some point we became close to them, but as we go on with our journey, we will know who are those who will accompany us in the adventure and who are those who will disconnect.
People and events are shipwrecks. Some are not really mean to stay with us. It's time to stop dragging them around. It's not worth it. Time to cut them off and swim away.
Realization #4: There are things that won't work out
While there are things that can be achieved through our effort, things that we can improve and develop, there are stuff that can never work out.
I pondered on things that I should suppose to be doing while there's still time. Things that have been in my card for the longest time but have not given enough attention because I was busy putting energy on people that never see my worth.
For so long, I always pretended I am strong. I could not be hurt because I have a steel in my spine. But in my deepest sense, I acknowledged my flaw and fragility. I recognized my vulnerabilities.
It kept me wondering why I was never good enough to a person. Why I am always treated like a rag when everything I wanted is just compassion, sympathy and warmth.
I figured, it's not about myself, my physical imperfection, my undesirable feature, my uninteresting personality.
It's all about aligned principles, shared values and intention to keep things going. When the other party is not willing to see our value, things won't work out.
It happens because we differ in mindset and principle. And we have different priorities and views on commitments.
It kept me wondering why I was never good enough to a person. Why I am always treated like a rag when everything I wanted is just compassion, sympathy and warmth.
I figured, it's not about myself, my physical imperfection, my undesirable feature, my uninteresting personality.
It's all about aligned principles, shared values and intention to keep things going. When the other party is not willing to see our value, things won't work out.
It happens because we differ in mindset and principle. And we have different priorities and views on commitments.
We have different views about life, the purpose of living and the level of wisdom.
We have different set of goals what kind of life we want to live in the future. Unfortunately, sometimes we're not part of that someone's goals about that future.
It's okay. Our time on earth never always aligned with the people we always wanted to be with.
There's no way two people can go together in the journey if one will refuse to see the other beyond imperfection.
Realization #5: Someday, someone will choose me. I'm certain.
Realization #5: Someday, someone will choose me. I'm certain.
We will never be good enough to the wrong heart, to the person who has no intention to welcome us into their lives.
Far too often we blame ourselves for something that does not work: Connection, friendship, attachment, bond whatever is that.
But it's not always like that. Because even at our own absolute best, we will still be ignored and overlooked because that someone never sees value in us.
But it's not always like that. Because even at our own absolute best, we will still be ignored and overlooked because that someone never sees value in us.
If someone has no intention of seeing the best in us, nothing will work out. Sometimes best effort falls short not because we are jerks or not trying hard enough but because there will never be good enough to someone who does not care or love us or see us the way we should be seen.
Meeting the right person, I've learned, can be the most incredible moment in someone else's life. I guess it's one of the most awesome feelings of being human.
But it is also one of the hardest. Like, yeah, everyone is looking to a different direction. Everyone is walking to the opposite road I'm traversing. And I'm all alone in this journey.
Season changes, still the road I walked in feels like forever in winter. Damp and cold and dreary. But I have to keep going. Hoping that at the intersection, I'll see a beam of sunlight warming my back. It might be a great relief.
Despite all my effort and all the kindness I invested, I still ended up jilted. And so I thought. Yeah, this crazy thought of defeat and rejection swarming in my head again like toxic waters.
Just because someone still did not choose me. Someone still didn't see me as worthy to be taken in.
But I realized, this ugly thought of abandonment and misery might just be the result of home isolation and the feeling of uncertainty during this pandemic when life is in grave danger and we don't know when this difficult time ends.
But that's okay. Things happen. Someday, it can be understood why certain hopes fell apart. This feeling of despair is just temporary.
Someday, someone will see me straight into my eyes and will accept me who I am. And value me.
Someday, someone will see me straight into my eyes and will accept me who I am. And value me.
Someday, I will no longer cry at the corner of our home, because someone rejected me. Someday, someone will choose me.
People will see what they want to see in us. We can never expect everyone we encounter, despite our efforts to make things last, to accept us and join us in the adventure of life. One day, they will just vanish without any traces.
And that's okay.
We meet people. We lose them eventually, that's the cycle of life. Someday, I can find a decent human being who is willing to welcome me into his world and appreciate my worth.
I will just have to be patient.
And that's okay.
We meet people. We lose them eventually, that's the cycle of life. Someday, I can find a decent human being who is willing to welcome me into his world and appreciate my worth.
I will just have to be patient.
Be with yourself, everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde
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