How To Get Over With Someone You Have Not Actually Dated

It all started with that guy from your office...

or someone you have met elsewhere...

You hang around, go out for coffee...

And some late-night conversations...

It feels good. But there’s one problem. 

You are not actually dating! You're just, uhm, friends. Two people just hanging around, enjoying moments, enjoying the conversation. The laughter. The silly jokes. Sharing interest, passion, and dreams.

Then the bomb. 

Out of nowhere, he suddenly disappeared, ghosted you and stopped talking. And eventually you lost contact.  Ughh. Sigh!

For men, it might just be normal to drift away without announcing the departure. But for women, it feels different. Emotions easily build. So the ghosting cuts a deep cord.

So, is it possible to have your heart broken over someone you have never actually dated?

It could be possible because we're human. We're interacting. We're relating. Emotions never recognized any labels, whether you're in a romantic relationship or just friends.

When attachment settles in. And you're constantly interacting, somewhere along the way, emotional connection slowly builds. 

Well, it happens. 

Things happened.

You fall for a guy despite having no real future together – he has a girlfriend, he is eyeing someone else, he still can't get over with his ex, he is not looking for a relationship, you are not his type, he just sees you as a “friend”. Etcetera.

Ughh. Earth. Sucks.

But, hey! It does not mean you get to wallow in self-pity. And bury yourself in grief, despair and heartaches. 

Life has to move on.

Maybe you just misread the signals, maybe you are just trying to assume things wrongly. Maybe you're desperate to be with someone.

Maybe you have waited too long to be with someone and suddenly you meet this guy, easily get connected and you're thinking maybe he's the one. lol! 😂

So you started seeing this person from a different perspective, fulfilling your hopes and dreams. So you jumped aboard. 

But it's not real. When a man has no intention of bringing it to the next level. There's nothing you can do about it. 

So stop brooding over lost hope and why he ghosted you. There might be thousands of reasons why he can't keep up with the friendship. 

Maybe he got tired with the conversation and wanted to breathe from the tightness of the situation. And he found a different excitement elsewhere to amuse his days. 

Dude, it's not the end of the world.

For some, it's easy to leave things as they are and go on with the journey. But for others, there's a kick in the gut. 

It's because we've a different coping mechanism. We've different level of maturity. 

Whatever it is, it’s not important how you got there. How the emotions developed. The real thing now is how to pick up yourself and get on with life after things have come to an end.

Perhaps it’s difficult. Perhaps it’s too blurry to understand why things happened. You'll feel rejected and abandoned. And you think life sucks.

You need enough time to absorb the real deal of the situation. But when it comes to getting rid of the troubles of your own innuendos, you need to understand why it occurred in the first place, why you fell for someone who is not ready to slay a dragon for you?

You need to understand the dynamic of unrequited love. The dimension of pain it gives you. And why you have misunderstood the plain treatment he is throwing when there’s nothing special in it.

I remember being told by someone to get a life because he could not imagine himself being with me. 

Haha! 10 years later, I would just laugh it off and thanking God he was not the one, because I realized it was just a passing silliness. Now, I would cringe with the thought of him.

The dynamics of relationships

We often put labels on all things relationships like it's the real thing. You know. Romance. When we hear relationships, we easily associate it with romantic attachment - they’re an item, they’re together, they’re a couple. 

It’s never going to be “no string attachment” or “just friends connecting through times”. It's always a romantic attachment.

But that's not how I see relationships. For me, it feels like home. When you're comfortable with this person and forged a great bond or strong connection, then you've got a great relationship with this person because it feels like home. You're happy. You feel secure. 

I don’t have the authority to talk about romantic relationships, or dig deeper into their meaning of it because I’ve never been into a romantic involvement or a date. But I do understand the dimension of relationships.

It is all about connecting, it is all about relating, it's all about a feeling of attachment. 

It’s not literally being together. It's not literally commitment. Relationship for me is about connection. Even with friends, colleagues, and family members, we call our attachment to them a “relationship”.

But how about intimacy or emotionally investing on someone who is not willing to commit? 

It could be unrequited love or unreturned feeling, but it is still a relationship because you're relating, you're connecting, you're attached, although hardly mutual.

It is through this hardline of human relationship that we often sulk in confusion, confronting ourselves what it’s all about and how to get out of the trap when someone stops communicating. And attachment comes to an end. 

How to get over with someone you have  not dated?

Well, yeah, I don’t know anything about dating in the first place. I don’t know anything about romantic relationship, anything about heartaches made out of breakup, anything about love quarrel of some sort.

But, God! I'm human. I know how it feels.

It's not rocket science. It’s there, you actually feel it. And you can’t fake it. You might be running one hundred miles away from that person, but can you run from yourself? 

You cannot hide from yourself. You are carrying that megawatt feeling in your sleeves. You sleep with it and wake up with it. And it gets heavier each day after you've ghosted.

But you can't just stop breathing because someone else stop seeing you or have ghosted you. The show must go on in your life despite the fallout of one character.

I’ve had quite a few mishaps in dealing with emotions. I mean, come on, I am normal. And I met people. It happens. 

I’ve had my heart broken a few times despite the fact that I've never been into some romantic involvement. 

Because I interact with people, I connect with them. Somewhere in this line, things happened.

Heartaches do not care for labels, whether you are romantically involved or just constantly connecting. It does not feel less real just because you have no romantic involvement. 

It does break. Because hurt hurts.

As strange as it may sound, getting over with someone with you were not actually romantically involved can be just as prickly as any heartache of some sort. 

There’s a shrill feeling of grief, sadness, rejection, and abandonment. There’s a nagging feeling of what might have been or would have been a wonderful match.

Then Things ended. The potential boyfriend shut his wall and abandoned you. Bluff! But would not you be thankful at least the person finally cut off your agony?

So, why mope?   

Why Is It Hard to Get Over With Someone You’ve never actually dated?

You’re hoping that one day it will turn into something.

It’s pretty silly to think, but when we get too attached to someone, we savor some hope that one day, it might turn into something awesome. 

That you could be a wonderful match. That you could be sailing into the sunset of your lives together. Happy and in-love. 

And your stomach is constantly hammered by some butterflies. It goes on and on. But when things are not meant to be. It will never be. 

You get to mourn a relationship that was not there in the first place.

The hard part about this ending is realizing there was not a beginning in the first place. 

That it has never existed. Suddenly you were just emotionally invested in this person with no going back. Then it’s over.

You sulk because you think you love that person dearly.

No one breaks your heart. Even that person you thought had deserted you and ghosted you. 

He did not break your heart. It just happened that he wants something else in his life and you're not part of it. So he decided to stop communicating.

And that's okay.

There is simply nothing to fret with. But despite the level of your maturity, you still give in to some adolescent moaning about losing an almost lover. 

Yes. It’s not break up, but you feel like the universe just crumbled beneath your feet because someone unintentionally and involuntarily hurts you.  

You sulk. You mope. You cry. 

You can hardly sleep. You wake up tired and haggard and feeling low. And trying to look for some reasons why your almost lover cut off ties. 

You might start bashing yourself. You might start blaming yourself for being ugly and undesirable. And for not doing enough.

The pain cut a deep wound somewhere in the center of your chest. But you can’t express it, you can’t tell others what’s going on because you’re afraid they would say, “ you never dated right?” (Ugh, life sucks!)

Your heart invested towards someone who did not feel the same

Yeah, life’s unfair! And you might hate yourself ten years from now for feeling such. But you feel it at the moment. It's a real thing even if no one is reciprocating.

The pain is real for now because life is happening today and not tomorrow. You feel being traumatized with the hurt of losing someone you never had. Never mind if ten years later you will laugh at your stupidity.

But the hardest part?

Trying to move on when the person you have invested time and feeling doesn't care or does not realize you have been hurt with the ghosting thing. 

When he doesn't even realize how much of an emotional toll you took on them. So you try to be strong and fight your own battle alone.  

You will pretend that you have accepted the circumstances but it’s destroying you to the core. And you're losing sleep over someone who is probably sleeping with someone else.

Ughh. Heartaches 💔

I know how much it hurts. I know what it’s like to replay everything in your mind, wondering what signs you read wrong. 

I know what it’s like to spend time with someone that you might not even have had a physical relationship with, but  hits you the real thing.

I know how it feels like not to be able to explain the pain clearly. You got your heart broken by someone who did not even realize you’re grieving.

You have a lot of questions running in your mind, overwhelming your soul but you can’t find any suitable answer. 

So you left in the corner, mourning a relationship that was not actually there. But you feel like it was real. But feeling is real and you don’t need anything to justify it.

You don’t need any relationship label to justify anything. When your heart is invested in someone the pain is real.

Yeah, because hurt hurts. Period.

How to Get Over With Someone You Have Never Actually Dated?

1. Stop spending time fantasizing what might have been.

You need to stop all those fantasies and accept that it was not there in the first place. That life needs to be lived. And that things have ended and your almost lover would no longer come back. Period.

2. Accept that you have been hurt.

Don’t go around pretending you are not hurt, it will only grow intensely difficult inside. Acknowledge it. 

Recognize the emotion, you are alive and not dead. You will feel things normally, including unrequited love. 

Recognize it and accept the fact that it has come to an end. Pain is pain and it does not always follow a certain logic.

Move On.

3. Journaling  

Allow yourself to grieve. If you want to cry, cry. Then get over it. People have different coping mechanism. Some want to talk it over to friends to get relieve, others just want to keep it.

Spit it out in the Journal. Writing is a great coping tool, it allows you to talk without being judged. 

Spitting pain, heartaches, frustrations, rejection in writing is a liberating process. 

As you pour things out, all the bad feelings you kept inside will be released and in the process will help you relieve with the emotional burden.

Do positive things, nurture a hobby or passion or anything that keep your mind away from heartaches and the feeling of rejection. 

It contributes to self-growth and makes you wiser in life. So acknowledged that you're hurt.

4. Discernment 

You might have mistakenly identify the feeling as the real thing because you’re too absorbed with the person. 

While it is not abnormal to fall for someone who does not like us, it is not the end of the world. 

It will take time to heal, especially for one-sided feeling. But you will get over it. All things come to pass. Even heartaches.

Discernment is an essential process of getting over something. Even that someone you hold dear. 

It’s a process of self-reflection to gather thoughts and see things in a broader sense. 

Having feelings for someone who did not feel the same can give so much feeling of isolation and anxiety and the feeling of abandonment.

Discerning things why you are emotionally drawn to the person who does not feel the same allows you to reconnect to yourself and recognize your worth. 

This process lets you understand that people have choices, that your almost lover wants another. And it does not mean you’re doomed or you're a jerk. 

5. Allow yourself to grieve

Recognizing that you’ve been hurt might be a catalyst to self-pity or to a more plummeting self-esteem but denying it either does not make you triumphant. 

In fact, it takes a heavy toll in your heart. Allowing yourself to feel the brunt of sadness relieves the pain. It lets brain adjust to the lost hope and lost love and that it has come to an end. 

Denying hurts and pain, avoiding grief lead to a severe damage in your emotional sense. 

It hinders personal growth. 

There are different repository of personal grief you can explore or try. Having a good cry, listening to sad songs. Cultivating an old hobby, finding a new hobby to get busy on.

Just anything to keep your mind away from pain. The person won’t come back. Time to move on. 

The process of healing involves recognizing your self-worth and value. While the person you have invested emotion did not see you as worthy, others see you in a different light.

Focus on the brighter side of life. Nurture a hobby. Connect with friends and loved ones. 

You cannot have the person you may have wanted, but you still have people who make you happy in a different capacity. Organize outing with them.

6. Time heals all wounds

It’s an old adage, but it still holds water. Getting over someone you have never dated takes time. 

It’s a strange situation because you’re the one sulking and never the other person, so you have to carry the brunt of your unreturned love alone. 

You have to navigate the lonely sky alone. But time heals. Sooner or later it you'll be fine. Just take your time and focus on your passion and keep busy living. Like everything that's taken for granted, the feelings will soon fade.

7. Change The View 

I will be honest. It is going to be painful. I’ve been there a couple of times. But that’s okay. Soon, you'll find new things to amuse you. 

Happiness is everywhere, it could be a place, a hobby, a passion. Something that keeps you away from thinking the feeling of rejection and loss. 

Go to places that change your mindset and views about life. It could be a peaceful sanctuary, a beach, a mountain, a country road or a park.

Take some space, surround yourself with the people you love. And be careful where you stand in a person’s life before getting deep the next time.

The loss of someone whom you think has the potential of being a significant-other can be harder on the heart than with real relationship. 

In real breakups you know where you stand, you know the guy, you know the potential where things go and when it ended you have a proof that you’re not meant to be together, like yeah, it simply sucks to be with each other. 

But with someone you have never dated, you will think all the might have been, there’s a nagging thought of “what ifs”.

But change the view or your perspective. Stop crying over spilled milk. Soon, you'll be alright.

I mean, come on. Heartaches aren't forever. It's temporary. So stop moping things. Treat it like a bad weather. It will get worst in a day. But it will fade.

8.  Be selective with people to share your troubles.

Sometimes talking too much, sharing too much to the people around you nail you down. Not all your friends know how to sympathize.

When you’re excited over someone, confused with the strange situation, it can be exciting to dissect the three-minute conversations for meaning to close friends, some of them might barge you for daily updates, there’s a sense of thrill. 

But when you’re on your way out of it, it can be daunting and stressful trying to defend your thoughts and the situation. Because your friends want to pry more. It can be stressful and doesn't add to your healing. 

Learn to be discreet. Talk less. Identify trusted friends who act as your emotional support.

9. Contemplation 

We all have choices. We also have reservation towards the people we encounter. Not all the people we met become our best friends. 

Some of them are just not our type. So, think about it. Those you rejected. Not those thugs, random horrible guys you met in the street, but those real one you ignored. 

Think about them. You will realize there’s nothing nasty about them. There's nothing wrong with them. It's that you just don't like them.

So that's how your almost lover sees you too. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that he is not simply into you. 😀

You might not be attracted to the  person you're emotionally invested with, but it does not mean you are not attractive to the rest of the 70% male population on earth. 

Rejection is pretty hard to understand and accept if you’re the subject. Even if that someone keeps assuring you that he is not rejecting you, there’s still a pinch of trauma and hurt creeping into your chest because you look at it differently. While your almost lover doesn't care.

However, it is not important how you got there. when it comes to getting over with someone you have never actually dated, the ball is in you. 

You've to determine your healing techniques, it’s your job to pick yourself up and begin the process of moving on.

It might be difficult by now, but someday things will make sense. You'll remember your almost lover as someone you used to love. 

You'll be okay. And might be humming this song, "I remember the boy, but I don't remember the feeling anymore" later.